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i don't know what to say..
words from people cannot affect me anymore..is that a good thing or bad thing?
sometimes i have difficulty let out of my feelings

Lord,open my ears to hear,open my eyes to see,and open my heart to feel.
A passion for learning more of you.
Help me to become a little student of you.


为什么委屈的眼泪很容易就跑出来？

I surrender.Help me to die good.

It has been a fantastic week!
I was being depressed and worried about myself at the beginning of this week, feeling ashamed of myself, and all kinds of accusation. I wasn't satisfied, don't know what I want..blah...
I’m so grateful that Ben has encouraged me with some sharp words and amazing testimonies...
Ever since 15,I'm totally ready to die for Jesus, I’ve always imagine myself being persecuted for the sake of gospel in middle east or some unreached area of the world. I can honestly say that I don't have any fear in me, i’m not afraid of death. I like what Ben said, you gonna die anyway, why not die for Jesus.
But today, God has inspired my view of dying for Jesus. What I've been thinking for the past 5 years was all about dying for God physically. But what I really need to die first is myself, the inner me. To die is to live. I need to surrender myself before the cross, and let myself die nakedly. I've been protecting or decorating myself too well before God and people, I try my best to look good outside and inside. By my own knowledge, I think what I’m doing is pleasing to God,i thought I had wisdom, I thought I’m living for Him.
But my God is a God of mercy and wisdom, He once again reminded me to just simply give up on "dressing" myself, because I’m making a mess here. Surrender myself, allow myself to die before His love, allow His hand to resurrect me, and give me strength to live.
I love you Jesus. Help me to die from the inside out, and then live outwardly by your love. I don't want selfish just want fish!!

有怪兽！

可不可以一直发呆到世界末日？可不可以不写作业？可不可以不考试？ 我在逃避吗？我在害怕吗？
Joy,你在想什么？你的感觉是什么？你要的是什么？你知道吗？
我不知道，我不知道，我真的不知道啊。。。。focus on God。。。。我怕我麻木了。小学班主任说过一个人最怕的就是麻木了，对人麻木了，对事麻木了，甚至对神麻木了。。。我好怕，我不想变成那样。。。
明明我的书就翻开在桌上，但是我偏要听广东话的歌让自己只享受音乐。。。什么跟什么啊！！
我真的想很多吗？不少，，我想的那些东西有啥用？似乎一点都没用。。。我晕死。。！！
可不可以不到当个Loser？我拜托你。。。。
什么叫接纳自己？什么叫爱自己？自己又是谁？我疯了。。。。要不要这么麻烦啊？ 有时我觉得植物人还挺被blessed的...
有没有人可以帮助我大哭一场啊？我连哭的勇气都没有。。。 很生自己的气！
到底什么时候才能学会做自己？我没有在做自己吗？我不清楚。。。。
我想找个方式发泄自己。


不行，我不可以逃避自己。一个人最大的敌人就是自己。每次在旷野时就有想回IHOP的念头，我觉得这是一种逃避！哎。。。面对自己吧，孩子。
主啊，我是很希望你能懂我的感受啦。至于我需要什么，我真的不知道。我想也就只有你知道吧。。。我不喜欢自己了。我对自己不满意！！你干嘛还爱我？？我不喜欢我的思想，不喜欢我讲的话，不喜欢不喜欢就是不喜欢！！我哪里值得你爱？你告诉我啊？哪里值得？你最好是不要沉默。。。。主啊，我不想麻木。我不想被关在盒子里，我讨厌我的盒子！！我要被得释放，我要自由！不要盒子~！！can i go deeper? can i go higher? is it possible?还有空间个我成长吗？我需要你break me,mold me,use me,fill me...我记得5年前在annie的apartment唱这首歌永远唱不够，就怕你听不到。。结果您耳朵很灵，一一的成就了我的心愿。主啊，c'mon baby one more time! 我心脏不好，给我来个手术吧。最好是心脏移植的大手术。。。我需要你我需要你我需要你！！！大医师快快来，，我在手术台等你！！！